VARIAN WRYNN: An Owner's Guide
by fitzefitcher
Summary: Now you can have your very own King of Stormwind!


_Concept __blatantly stolen, erherm,__ lovingly borrowed from Theresa Green._

**CONGRATULATIONS!**

You are now the proud owner of a VARIAN WRYNN! For the best performance (and to avoid any unwanted injuries) of your brand-new King of Stormwind, please read the following manual before proceeding, as misuse of this model can be fatally hazardous.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: Varian Wrynn (Will also respond to "Lo'Gosh," "My King," "Alliance Filth," and "Captain Mega-chin")

Type: Human (Male)

Class: Warrior

Manufacturer: Blizzard Entertainment, Alliance Division

Height: 6 feet

Weight: 190 lbs

Length: Look at his hands. _Look at his goddamn hands._

**ACCESSORIES**

Your VARIAN WRYNN comes with the following:

One Shalamayne*

One Lion-themed Armor Set, Blue

Other accessories and outfits, such as the Ghost Wolf Gladiator set, are available in our catalogue or online.

_*Note: If there is not one, but two separate swords equipped on your VARIAN WRYNN model, then Shalamayne has separated into Ellemayne and Shalla'tor, two slightly slimmer but equally as badass swords. For further assistance, see Troubleshooting below._

**INSTALLATION**

This model can be tricky to unpack if you're not careful. Check around the crate first to see if there are any signs of damage; if the journey to your home has been less than comfortable, chances are your VARIAN WRYNN has tried to escape at least once, or, much rarer, the VARIAN WRYNN has somehow split into two and they got into a scuffle. _(Note: If this should happen, seek a JAINA PROUDMOORE or any other Mage unit to assist you into putting him back together. See Troubleshooting below for further detail.)_

If there has been any apparent damage to the crate, do not come near it until you make your intentions known. Each VARIAN WRYNN has been packaged with an Official ANDUIN WRYNN replica doll to preoccupy them before they reach their destinations, and if the model believes his ANDUIN WRYNN doll is in jeopardy, he will have no issue with tearing apart whatever or whoever he believes is endangering him, including you.

Calmly state that you mean no harm, and the VARIAN WRYNN should give you no trouble upon opening the crate.

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Your VARIAN WRYNN has the following capabilities, included but not limited to:

Born Leader:

As the King of Stormwind, your VARIAN WRYNN will instinctively take charge of any situation. Have a group project that needs to get done, but your group members are unorganized? What about a social event that needs planning? Are you stuck in a horrible Pick-Up Group for Dire Maul and no one has a clue where to go? Let him take control and it'll be completed in no time!

Bodyguard:

Over time, your VARIAN WRYNN will become quite fond of you, his owner, in his own, dickish way. The good side to this, besides the obvious of having an unnecessarily attractive, battle-worn badass at your beck and call, is that now his Protective setting _(see below)_ now applies to you, whether you like it or not. Yes, you'll certainly feel safer with him around! Being bullied at school or work? No problem! Just have your VARIAN WRYNN come with you the next time you have work and/or class, and he'll remove the problem quickly and mercilessly- erm, efficiently! Have to walk home at night when the Horror Movie Mist is out? Your model will safeguard you from any danger, whether it's rapists or zombies, or even zombie rapists! _(Note: We are not responsible for the behavior of any Lich King Edition ARTHAS MENETHIL units in the area.)_

Your VARIAN WRYNN also has the following settings:

Protective (default)

Brooding

SRFS (Sudden Rage Fit Syndrome)

Strangely Selective Racism

Lo'Gosh (locked)

Slash (locked)

Out of Character (locked)

You may notice that your VARIAN WRYNN is prone sudden outbursts of violent, nigh homicidal anger. All-in-all, the VARIAN WRYNN model is very hot-blooded, and this is on account of his SRFS or Sudden Rage Fit Syndrome setting. It is regrettably simply part of his programming and one that cannot be removed easily. It usually stems from his general overbearing protectiveness of those around him (especially any ANDUIN WRYNN unit within a 20-mile vicinity) or any wandering Horde unit nearby. Consider getting your model a companion such as a JAINA PROUDMOORE or BOLVAR FORDRING to calm him the fuck down, an ANDUIN WRYNN to fuss over so he doesn't raise all hell in search of one, or a GARROSH HELLSCREAM to take out his aggression on. Or, if his Slash setting is on, a GARROSH HELLSCREAM to take out his aggression on.

If you are unable to put up with his frustrating tendencies towards violent anger, contact the nearest technician to uninstall the Lo'Gosh setting out of his programming. While this will effectively remove the SRFS setting and make him infinitely more charming, you may notice that your VARIAN WRYNN will start bringing home random KATRANA PRESTOR units. To prevent this, please make sure there are no KATRANA PRESTOR units within the neighborhood or provide your unit with a TIFFIN model to keep him company. _(Please make sure there are no political riots of any sort going on before purchasing a TIFFIN or she'll be inexplicably drawn to it. We are not responsible for the __unavoidable destiny- ahem,__ well-being of your TIFFIN._)

To unlock his Slash setting, you must first unlock his Out of Character setting. To do this, borrow a nearby THRALL unit and have the two sit down while the THRALL unit gives him a complete history lesson on the beginnings of the Original Horde and the THRALL unit's back story, if needed. Your VARIAN WRYNN should now have some scrap of sympathy for the THRALL, an Orc Unit, which is so wildly against his inherently (yet oddly selective) racist programming that his system will shut down temporarily to prevent short-circuiting. When his system has shut down successfully, you will be free to install any additional programming under his Out of Character setting, as well as switch on the Slash setting.

The Lo'Gosh setting only unlocks when a nearby ANDUIN WRYNN is in danger, or in the face of any Horde unit. _(Warning: Do not purposely unlock this setting for any reason, as the VARIAN WRYNN will go into his hidden Greenskin Killing Spree setting, which is stupidly difficult to get him out of.)_

**CLEANING**

After shown how to use the bathroom facilities, he has no trouble with cleaning himself as you won't have to show him twice. However, being King, he is used to being pampered to an extent, and probably won't mind if you wash him yourself or join him. Just don't expect any washing to be done at that point.

_(Note: We are not responsible for any marital problems that may arise during the use of your VARIAN WRYNN unit.)_

**COMPATIBILTY WITH OTHER MODELS**

Your VARIAN WRYNN is a social creature, and will instinctively look for any Alliance units to lead. Don't be surprised if you come home one day and your VARIAN WRYNN has set up an Alliance Counsel Summit or some form of Military Headquarters in your living room; it's just part of his programming.

However, be sure to keep him away from any Horde units unless you want a Fourth War on your hands. The Horde unit-owners will probably not appreciate their Horde Unit's sudden, suspicious disappearance.

He has the most interactive abilities with the models listed below:

ANDUIN WRYNN: The calm and collected son of your VARIAN WRYNN. Unless you got the Amnesia Edition model, your unit with incessantly worry over his displaced son and may start 'rescuing' random ANDUIN WRYNN models from their respective owners as a result of it. Relationship-wise, the VARIAN is to ANDUIN as a Big Daddy is to its Little Sister. Consider buying this model in addition to your VARIAN WRYNN, if not to stop his kidnapping tendencies, then at least to make him calm the fuck down. The ANDUIN WRYNN model is the only unit besides JAINA PROUDMOORE able to bring him out of his SRFS, Lo'Gosh, and Brood settings. Attempting to Slash VARIAN with ANDUIN is not possible and trying to do so will make your VARIAN malfunction. Do not attempt unless you want to lose a limb.

BOLVAR FORDRING: The close friend and great ally of your King of Stormwind, and potential candidate for Slash. If you are considering purchasing this model, please make sure that there are no PUTRESS or Lich King Edition ARTHAS MENETHIL units in the area. Unless you're into angst, in which case, go nuts.

JAINA PROUDMOORE: The wise but often ignored advisor to the VARIAN WRYNN. Thanks to this model's absurd amount of patience and sympathy for the VARIAN WRYNN, your King of Stormwind will quickly warm up to any JAINA unit, and may or may not want to shack up with her, depending on your preferences. However, this may incur the wrath of any KAEL'THAS SUNSTRIDER or ARTHAS MENETHIL units in the area. If you have a THRALL unit living in your household and your JAINA and VARIAN do pair up, your Warchief will not react violently, but might go into his hidden setting, Quiet Suffering. _(Further details on the Quiet Suffering hidden setting are listed in the THRALL unit owner's manual. Further details on interactions with the THRALL unit are listed below.)_

THRALL: While he may not appreciate it at first, purchasing a THRALL for your VARIAN can be very enriching, both intellectually and anatomically. It will take a while for the VARIAN to warm up to your new THRALL, but if you or your ANDUIN WRYNN model assert that no, the Warchief is not the sort of orc that will chop off his son's head and stick it on a pike _(further details on GARROSH HELLSCREAM units below),_ then they will start to converse civilly. If you really want the two of them to get along, or for them to _really_ get along, additional programming under his Out of Character setting is needed, and if you so choose, the Slash setting. And lube.

GARROSH HELLSCREAM: Arguably the most entertaining model for the VARIAN to interact with, if not the most violent. They will do nothing but bicker and fight, which can be annoying or hilariously depressing depending on how you look at it. Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly, if you look at all that pent-up tension between them), the GARROSH unit is a possible Slash candidate for the VARIAN. If you should want them to have glorious, glorious hate-sex, be sure to have all the necessary supplies, such as lube, earplugs (There's a reason the GARROSH model is also referred to as 'Hellscream'), a video recording device, and Windex, to clean up the blood, because there _will_ be some.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

Q: My VARIAN WRYNN won't come out of his crate!

A: Check the crate for the Official ANDUIN WRYNN replica doll that is packaged with every VARIAN WRYNN model. If it's there, he probably thinks that the environment is unsafe for the ANDUIN replica. Coax him out of the box with an actual ANDUIN WRYNN model, either yours or a friend's because he won't let it out of his sight once he sees it. If it isn't there, then the VARIAN simply wasn't packaged with one or the one that was packaged with him was somehow destroyed. If the VARIAN WRYNN seems to have slipped into his hidden Heroic Blue Screen of Death setting because of this, then the only thing you can do is get your own ANDUIN model and hope for the best or send back the VARIAN for a free replacement.

Q: I think my VARIAN unit is malfunctioning. Whenever my neighbor's GARROSH HELLSCREAM is outside, my VARIAN always wants to go outside and fight him. But when I let him out, they both bolt, and my VARIAN doesn't come back for a couple hours! And he always comes back limping, even though there's not a scratch on his armor! What the hell?

A: Erm, congrats, it seems you have unlocked your VARIAN's Slash setting! You can either enjoy it (and send tapes to the writer for, um… further research… _don't you judge me_) or attempt to stop the power couple from meeting, which isn't likely. The VARIAN will just be sneakier when he goes about it, or the GARROSH will come and 'liberate' your VARIAN, claiming your abode in the name of the Horde in the process.

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

Problem: Your VARIAN and/or their Shalamayne accessory seem to have split into two.

Solution: Contact the nearest technician. Or, if you're short on cash, have a JAINA or any other Archmage-class unit stick them back together for you. Results may vary.


End file.
